lumpy bumpy...

Yesterday I went to the "women's center"...(which is just a nicer way of saying gynecologist)...to have a lump in my breast checked out. In addition to the thumb size lump that I had found in my left breast, Bridget Bahneman (who is, by the way, a FANTASTIC certified nurse midwife) also found a smaller one in my right breast. I can't say that I was honestly worried that I had cancer. I haven't been losing any sleep over this, but I was still releived to hear her say that they were more than likely either fibroids or cysts that show no signs of cancer. She said I just might have lumpy bumpy breasts, and that my breasts might be lumpier and bumpier at certain times of the month than at others. I am just fine with having lumpy bumpy breasts, as long as they are still in working order, but I am having an ultrasound next Friday, just to be on the safe side.

When I was 13 years old I had a lump in my neck. Little did I know that my mom was worried sick that I had a terminal illness. I had to miss a day of school to go to the doctor and when the diagnosis was a very swollen gland due to a mosquito bite on my head my mom was ecstatic. So much so that she took me shopping that afternoon for a new "outfit".

When I called my mom yesterday to tell her that I don't have breast cancer she exclaimed how happy she was that I'm not dying. We're going shopping for a new dress for me after the ultrasound on Friday.

Also relating to my breasts....one week and one day ago, I nursed Thelma to sleep for the last time. It was her 19 month birthday. So, I guess my body is my own again now, which is great. But I loved nursing her and will always treasure the memory of that experience. To celebrate, we had lobster, sweet corn, and strawberry shorcake with Jeanne, Jaena, Jonah and Beverly last night. Jeanne put a candle in Thelma's dessert and we all sang "Happy, You Drank All Your Milk Day" to the tune of Happy Birthday.

I love my life.

If Thelma wasn't a part of my life....I think I would feel like everything was at a complete standstill right now. All I can do is sit and wait. For the house to sell, for the right farm to magically appear....for my life to transform itself. Next in line to becoming a mother, this move is the greatest transformation of my life. Not because the idea of having a farm is so obscene, but just that this really is my dream about to come true. But the truth is, I have NO idea what I am doing...and I know that I have this idealistic, romanticized vision of what my life on the farm will be like. What I really want is to having something substantial to pass on to my children. I suppose this is what we all long for really....just that some people find bank accounts more valuable than dirt. But I have always been of the hands-on sort...so my kids are getting dirt. Lucky them. I wonder, will they despise me for this decision I am making? I am choosing for them a life that is so different from the one that they would lead if Delip and I chose to stay in St Paul. My guess is that at least one of them will. Maybe it will even be Thelma. And she and I will spend her young adult years and my grey-braid years trying to figure out where we both went wrong. Hey, at least I'll have my farm.