heartbeat.

I had my first visit with my new midwife today. After much contemplation, I decided to make an appointment at the Winona Center for Women's Health. My prospects for this birth have not been encouraging lately, because our new insurance will not cover a cent of a home birth, and I had really had my heart set on going that route. Delip and I talked about it a lot and came to the conclusion that we just cant afford to cough up $3000 to have this baby at home, when insurance will cover it 100% if I go to the hospital. Just another huge disappointment when it comes to the way our society treats women. At first I was truly depressed about this reality, and then I started to think about having a baby in this house...this house that, even after two and a half months, still doesnt feel like a home to me. That, combined with the possibilty of our Kenyon dream farm still being up in the air, made me feel a lot better about driving to Winona today. BTW, I can definitely imagine having babies on the farm in Kenyon. However, even if we do acquire it in the next month, I cant imagine it being in livable condition by the time this baby is due on July 28th. The one thing I have known from the start of this pregnancy is that I would not be swept into the super-medical Mayo clinic community. The drive to Winona is about 40 minutes, but worth the extra effort ...mostly flat farm land, until you get closer to the river valley and you enter bluff country. I have a thing for the bluffs. My Mom and Dad grew up on the Wisconsin side of those river bluffs, and my Grandpa Darrell and Grandma Thelma still live amongst them. Driving into them will always remind me of summer visits to the farm to feed the calves, picking wild black caps and baking pies....winter visits at Christmas time when everyone went sledding after dinner. The rocky cliff that my grandparents house sits under cuts off sharply and then falls down into the most perfect sledding hill. As we were leaving Winona today, it was snowing heavily, and I thought to myself how at "home" I felt in this part of the country. Of course, it really helps that I already love my midwife. She made me feel like I was in complete control, and spent nearly 2 hours with me, just talking and getting to know each other. I want to be her friend. She is soooo nice and even let me borrow her wise women herb book after pointing out her favorite tonics and tinctures. Only problem was, she couldn't find the heartbeat. She tried and tried, probably for just a few minutes. But they were silent minutes that seemed like a really long time. I am fairly positive of how far along I am, and by 12 weeks and 2 days, they usually dont have a problem finding the heartbeat. I laid on the examine table with my hands on my stomach while she went to see if the OB doc was available to do a quick ultrasound. I laid there and thought....this is my punishment. My punishment for the things I have done....the secrets that I have kept. This is the first time I have "planned" for a baby, and now I'm lying on this cold table, covered in a piece of paper, ready to make a deal with God, with ANYONE, so that I can have this child. LeAnn came back in and said that Dr. Shelton was available. She helped me off the table, wrapped another piece of paper around my waist and checked the hallway for men. She showed me into an ultrasound room where the sonographer, her back to me, was typing numbers into a little computer hooked up to the machine. I just stood there, didn't know what to say, and startled her once she realized my presence in the room. LeAnn came back in with Dr. Shelton, and I could tell that they were both nervous...hoping for the best, but not knowing what to say in the mean time. So, I'm on my back again, with my eyes closed and a ridiculous amount of goo on my stomach. They start making small talk....asking about Thelma, saying how beautiful she is, but I keep my eyes closed. I keep them closed until I hear the Dr. say, "Everything looks perfect." I turn my head, eyes open now....and I see the screen, the baby, the tiniest little flutter of a hearbeat. Everything is perfect. A big sigh of relief and LeAnn is wiping the goo off me and checking the hallway again. Soon, I am walking through the parking lot under a sky dense with snow. Thelma points up at the bluff and says, "Mom! Look at the huge rock, Mom!" Hail Mary, full of grace, you are with me.