So, Anne and I went to the birth movie a month ago and I ran in to an old friend from high school. I hadn't seen Lisa since her wedding day, which was the summer of 2000. Its amazing how people blossom so unexpectedly. I never knew we had so much in common!
So, Lisa has a mySpace account, and now I have one too...which I made so I could be her mySpace friend and see pictures of her little girl, Mia. After firmly avoiding networking sites like these for years, I am now a member of mySpace and facebook. I already had a facebook account that I had used to track down a friend from college, but Anne was my only friend, until 2 days ago, when I became Lisa's friend. Now, everyone and their cousin from my high school is sending me friend requests. I don't even want to be "friends" with these people!!! But if I deny the requests, I'm gonna look like a big-time jerk, right?!? Looks like its back to avoiding.
I guess, more than anything, it makes me think about what a "friend" is. I can count the number of true friends I've had in my life on both my hands, and I am content with that. Quality, not quantity....exactly the reason I've been cooping myself up in this house all winter. I don't want any more friends. Except Paige is right. I need to be a part of a community. So, yesterday, I took Thelma to a playgroup, and I met 6 other moms and their kids. Thelma had such a good time that she cried when it was time to leave, and I'll admit...it felt good to get out of the house.
Spring IS almost here. I can't believe how much more daylight we've been having, and soon the crocuses I planted in the yard last fall will be peaking out of the snow. Everything is nearly anew.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
it was a last minute decision to exit off of hwy 52 onto county road 56, headed south. we meant only to just drive by. thelma was fast asleep. i could feel my heart beat more and more quickly as we neared 44819. by the time we reached the end of the long drive, we both knew we couldn't resist getting closer. thelma was waking as he went to peak inside the window of the back door. as he walked back towards us, his shoulders shrugged and he mouthed the words, 'its open'. pulling on my coat, throwing a blanket over thelma, he added...'its trespassing, i guess. its illegal.' my answer.....'its OUR house. what are they going to do to us?' so we went inside. everything was much the same as the day we were first there 2 months ago....but it was colder now. colder inside than it was even outside. it still smelled like a barn, and it still felt like home. i was shaking the entire time we were inside....i don't know if it was from the cold, or the excitment. we drove away with heavy hearts, both hoping that the house will sit and wait for us.
somehow....
someday...
somehow....
someday...Wednesday, February 13, 2008
on my plate... in my head.
my breakfast...
in the meantime, Thelma refuses to eat anything at all for breakfast, unless it begins with mac and ends in cheese. its either that, or my tube of burt's bees. i really hope this is just a phase.
when i offer a suggestion that she doesn't agree with, her response has become, "i don't like you , mom." where did she learn that? another phase, i hope.
it makes me think a lot about my own phases. just like Thelma, i am still learning about my world...from the people i love and the experiences i embrace. i want to remember my phases, my secrets, my memories. i've tried to forget so many things....to make myself believe that they have been erased. but, i know they are there.....if i look closely, and make a wish to uncover them.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
to be attached.
It is something I don't talk about often...my greatest fear. I go so far as to say I have no regrets, because if I admit the one that exists, it might be true.
I believe in attachment parenting. I have never let Thelma cry herself to sleep, I have never ignored her request for my presence. As a result, I have a 2 year old child who is scared of nothing. She has trusted me completely and continues to do so as she explores her world and seeks out her independence. It is my greatest pride and achievement to have brought her to this point.
On December 18, 2000, I gave birth to a son whom I named Daniel Adam Brunner. You all know him as Jack. I never breast-fed him. I let him spend his first night in this world in a hospital nursery full of bright lights, strange sounds and voices unfamiliar to him. The next day, I left him. I know his adoptive parents love him as much or even more than I could have myself. Still, the fact remains that he was robbed of the opportunity to become attached...left to his own devices. The people whom I chose to be responsible for him were strangers to him as he entered the world. What will the ramifications of my actions be? Is he afraid? Does he know how to trust? Will he forgive me?
The letters and pictures his adoptive parents send me twice a year reflect a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid. I would expect no less than for them to portray a bright and sunny picture to me. For now, he seems fine.
I carry another child in my womb. I can feel it move. Last night I had a dream that I was having an ultrasound done, except that the image wasn't up on the screen. It was as if my stomach was translucent and I could stare straight down inside myself at this little child. My feeling in the dream was that it was a boy and he had amazingly long eye lashes. He was smiling and laughing at me...almost mocking me.
If I have another son, I hope my heart isn't afraid to love him. I hope he will not suffer because of my mistakes. I hope I can learn to never take for granted the gift that my children are.
I believe in attachment parenting. I have never let Thelma cry herself to sleep, I have never ignored her request for my presence. As a result, I have a 2 year old child who is scared of nothing. She has trusted me completely and continues to do so as she explores her world and seeks out her independence. It is my greatest pride and achievement to have brought her to this point.
On December 18, 2000, I gave birth to a son whom I named Daniel Adam Brunner. You all know him as Jack. I never breast-fed him. I let him spend his first night in this world in a hospital nursery full of bright lights, strange sounds and voices unfamiliar to him. The next day, I left him. I know his adoptive parents love him as much or even more than I could have myself. Still, the fact remains that he was robbed of the opportunity to become attached...left to his own devices. The people whom I chose to be responsible for him were strangers to him as he entered the world. What will the ramifications of my actions be? Is he afraid? Does he know how to trust? Will he forgive me?
The letters and pictures his adoptive parents send me twice a year reflect a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid. I would expect no less than for them to portray a bright and sunny picture to me. For now, he seems fine.
I carry another child in my womb. I can feel it move. Last night I had a dream that I was having an ultrasound done, except that the image wasn't up on the screen. It was as if my stomach was translucent and I could stare straight down inside myself at this little child. My feeling in the dream was that it was a boy and he had amazingly long eye lashes. He was smiling and laughing at me...almost mocking me.
If I have another son, I hope my heart isn't afraid to love him. I hope he will not suffer because of my mistakes. I hope I can learn to never take for granted the gift that my children are.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
torn.
On Saturday I waited outside in a line well over a mile long to hear Obama speak in Minneapolis. It was 2 hours before we got inside the doors of the Target Center, but well worth the wait. This man has the kind of energy and charisma that I've been longing for in a president for a long time. He has devoted his life to community service and my heart tells me that he is the one who can bring this country the kind of change it needs.
I'm torn. I am a woman who is constantly outraged by the way women are mistreated and underappreciated in our society. Now, a woman stands a chance at being president, and my heart does not support her. Like me, she is a mother and a wife. Unlike me, she is extrememly wealthy. Fact is, its the fund-raising that bothers me....the acceptance of lobbyist money and now, just in the past couple of days, the contribution of 5 million dollars of her own fortune to continue the surge of her campaign. Its suspected that she is willing to contribute up to 15 million more in order to win her party's nomination. Is this kind of big money the only way for a woman to gain power? It scares me. Furthermore, I am troubled that, since 1989, in a country with over 300,000,000 people, we have not been able to elect a leader outside one of two families. I am ready for change. If Hillary does win the nomination, I will be happy and content and will support her 100%. In the meantime, I'm not convinced that she's what America needs right now. Women around the world, forgive me if I am wrong.
I'm torn. I am a woman who is constantly outraged by the way women are mistreated and underappreciated in our society. Now, a woman stands a chance at being president, and my heart does not support her. Like me, she is a mother and a wife. Unlike me, she is extrememly wealthy. Fact is, its the fund-raising that bothers me....the acceptance of lobbyist money and now, just in the past couple of days, the contribution of 5 million dollars of her own fortune to continue the surge of her campaign. Its suspected that she is willing to contribute up to 15 million more in order to win her party's nomination. Is this kind of big money the only way for a woman to gain power? It scares me. Furthermore, I am troubled that, since 1989, in a country with over 300,000,000 people, we have not been able to elect a leader outside one of two families. I am ready for change. If Hillary does win the nomination, I will be happy and content and will support her 100%. In the meantime, I'm not convinced that she's what America needs right now. Women around the world, forgive me if I am wrong.
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