It is something I don't talk about often...my greatest fear. I go so far as to say I have no regrets, because if I admit the one that exists, it might be true.
I believe in attachment parenting. I have never let Thelma cry herself to sleep, I have never ignored her request for my presence. As a result, I have a 2 year old child who is scared of nothing. She has trusted me completely and continues to do so as she explores her world and seeks out her independence. It is my greatest pride and achievement to have brought her to this point.
On December 18, 2000, I gave birth to a son whom I named Daniel Adam Brunner. You all know him as Jack. I never breast-fed him. I let him spend his first night in this world in a hospital nursery full of bright lights, strange sounds and voices unfamiliar to him. The next day, I left him. I know his adoptive parents love him as much or even more than I could have myself. Still, the fact remains that he was robbed of the opportunity to become attached...left to his own devices. The people whom I chose to be responsible for him were strangers to him as he entered the world. What will the ramifications of my actions be? Is he afraid? Does he know how to trust? Will he forgive me?
The letters and pictures his adoptive parents send me twice a year reflect a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid. I would expect no less than for them to portray a bright and sunny picture to me. For now, he seems fine.
I carry another child in my womb. I can feel it move. Last night I had a dream that I was having an ultrasound done, except that the image wasn't up on the screen. It was as if my stomach was translucent and I could stare straight down inside myself at this little child. My feeling in the dream was that it was a boy and he had amazingly long eye lashes. He was smiling and laughing at me...almost mocking me.
If I have another son, I hope my heart isn't afraid to love him. I hope he will not suffer because of my mistakes. I hope I can learn to never take for granted the gift that my children are.
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3 comments:
love you.
oh allisa. tears in my eyes as i read this...you are so beautiful. all that you do and are to thelma and daniel and the little one on the way is a gift to them. do not be afraid, do not fear.
the smallest whirl, a ripple.... the dream that has replaced your dream of the country....as only that feeling inside you can. change everything. your perspective on the world. your life. your heart. i love this subtle change. i love you too.
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