pumpkins

oxbow log cabin

Thelma wants to live here...it is apparently her idea of a "dream house"! Which translates to: tons of room to run, fresh air to breathe, and river otters in the zoo across the street that could entertain you for hours.

the will to blog...

...i might just be regaining it. until 10 pm last night, i had no idea how much weight i'd been carrying around on my shoulders for the last 8 years. its gone now. and in its place...HOPE! so, a fresh start, dear friends. if you haven'y given up on my blog completely, then stay-tuned!

http://www.edinarealty.com/Listing/ListingDetail.aspx?Listing=30726484&Image=1

grandma flo.

it has been almost a week since she passed away, and i still don't really feel like sitting down and writing about it...but i don't trust my memory, and there are things that she said that i want to write down before i forget. it seems i have a very good memory when it comes to useless information, and it all goes to shit when there's something that matters.

i should feel lucky, because it all happened so fast....even faster than with my grandpa. i was pregnant with thelma when he died. so, here i am again....pregnant, and dealing with the loss of another.

my grandma was second to oldest of 11, and the first one to die. all of her brothers and sisters were in lima, wis. for the funeral on tuesday. she gave birth to 10 children, and is survived by 26 grandchildren, 31 2/3 great-grandchildren, and 6 great-great grandchildren. her cup was always over-flowing.

she was 16 when she met my grandpa and got pregnant. that's why they "had" to get married. didn't keep her from being married 66 years and it certainly didn't keep her from getting into heaven. her first and fifth children share the same birthday. they are exactly 5 years apart. she was busy. there's one particular picture of she and grandpa and those first 5 sitting out in the yard that i stared at for a really long time on monday night. she would have been 22 and he, 29. she looks 22....so SO young. and breath-takingly beautiful, surrounded by all those little ones. those were the days when they were still working the family farm in lima, before they sold it and moved to the house in town at 619 W Prospect St. (incidentally, that house is for sale right now...for $94,000. seems a small price to pay for the house my dad grew up in.)

i think she stopped cooking once all the kids were grown up and moved out of the house. i only remember being at her house one time when she was using the stove, and she was cooking liver and onions. i was probably around 10. her oven has since served as storage for paper plates, extra napkins, and whatever else she couldn't find a place for in the cupboards. the microwave served a similar function.

she saved everything...and knew just where everything came from and why she was saving it. (i inherited this from her, much to my mom's dismay. i used to save gum wrappers when i was a kid because they smelled good and i might want to re-live that smell later, after the gum was long gone.) a box of things she had set aside for my dad had two such peculiarities inside it. one was a tiny brochure boasting the incredible results of oil of olay beauty solution that i would guess dated back to at least the 1960's. the other was a tiny newspaper clipping giving women advice on how to tone up their lower abdomen after the birth of a child.

my grandma had this amazing way of journaling, a system of record-keeping that not too many families would be so lucky to have. she wrote all over everything....calenders, books, cards, boxes. if you were to go through the piles of things at her house right now, you would be able to learn anything you possibly needed to know about the Brunner family. as an example, i'm going to use a toy that she passed on to thelma the last time we were at her house...i think it was in the fall after we finished raking her yard. its one of those little playskool wagons that has blocks of all different shapes, sizes and colors that fit inside it. what i can make out to be the first note on its original box says "Purchased Christmas of 1965, when at 619 W. Prospect". "Please do not give the box to the child!" on one end..."OPen Here". the other end is taped shut and says "I taped shut". "12/1987 Please Adults take out the wagon and give to child." "p.s. This box keeps wagon and blocks together (no blocks lost to date)" "Nov. '92 all pcs. still here" "We got these for grand kids at christmas 1965 at 619 W. Prospect, Durand, Wi." "2006-1965=41 years. Oct. all pcs. here yet." this is just what's on a box of blocks, people.

i got to visit her last wednesday. i was lucky that she was still somewhat alert when i arrived at the hospital. i took her hand in mine and told her i was there. she opened her eyes and said, "i love you so much. i've been waiting for you." her sons and daughters happened to be holding a family meeting to decide what to do next, so i got to sit and hold her hand and be still. it didn't seem to matter so much that we were sitting in a hospital room...it was peaceful. i will forever cherish the memory of her...Florence M. K. Brunner.

days numbered in fruit.

I love oranges. We brought back a huge bag from Florida and now there are only two left. I don't know what I'm going to do when they're gone. I'm currently reading Barbara Kingsolver's "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle", and am finding myself more and more inspired to fully commit to being a locavore. (Locavore, by the way, just happens to have been the Oxford Word of the Year in 2007!)

My grandma Thelma loves to tell the story about the one birthday party she had as a child. The one, at least, where she got to have friends come to celebrate with her....and they brought her presents. She was around 10 years old, and still remembers the first and last names of all three girls who attended. Two of the three gifts were memorable as well; one, an apple and the other, an orange. Obtaining an orange in Wisconsin was almost unheard of back then, making it a very indulgent birthday gift. My grandma's birthday is in April, so even the apple was out of season and must have traveled many miles to get to her. Grandma Thelma turns 80 years old this April.

How, in a matter of 70 years, did we get from oranges being so exquisite as to warrant gift-ability, to not giving second thought to tossing one into our shopping carts on any given day of the year?

Soon, the rolling hills of this frozen tundra I live in will turn green. Will my tongue forget about oranges when the year's first asparagus makes its appearance? Will the molly mooch be enough to distract me?

Steven L. Hopp makes this claim..."If every U.S. citizen ate just one meal a week (any meal) composed of locally and organically raised meats and produce, we would reduce our country’s oil consumption by over 1.1 million barrels of oil every week." Barrels! Not just gallons...BARRELS! Of course, that's not even the half of it.

Two more oranges, folks. Two.

sand in our toes.

After a full week of sun and sand, we are home. Take note. This is the first time I have called this place "home". It's the first time its felt that way. Thelma and I went on a treasure hunt this afternoon in search of anything alive creeping out of the dirt. Sure enough, we found signs of life all over the yard! I see now that I haven't given this place a fair chance.

The tulips and crocuses aren't the only sign of life I've been noticing lately. This next addition to our family seems to move in my womb constantly. I'm slightly concerned that its going to come into this world thinking that sleep is an unnecessary vice. For now, I love the movement....the constant reminder that very soon I will have a babe at my breast again.

Oh, Baby!

"friends" of my past.

So, Anne and I went to the birth movie a month ago and I ran in to an old friend from high school. I hadn't seen Lisa since her wedding day, which was the summer of 2000. Its amazing how people blossom so unexpectedly. I never knew we had so much in common!

So, Lisa has a mySpace account, and now I have one too...which I made so I could be her mySpace friend and see pictures of her little girl, Mia. After firmly avoiding networking sites like these for years, I am now a member of mySpace and facebook. I already had a facebook account that I had used to track down a friend from college, but Anne was my only friend, until 2 days ago, when I became Lisa's friend. Now, everyone and their cousin from my high school is sending me friend requests. I don't even want to be "friends" with these people!!! But if I deny the requests, I'm gonna look like a big-time jerk, right?!? Looks like its back to avoiding.

I guess, more than anything, it makes me think about what a "friend" is. I can count the number of true friends I've had in my life on both my hands, and I am content with that. Quality, not quantity....exactly the reason I've been cooping myself up in this house all winter. I don't want any more friends. Except Paige is right. I need to be a part of a community. So, yesterday, I took Thelma to a playgroup, and I met 6 other moms and their kids. Thelma had such a good time that she cried when it was time to leave, and I'll admit...it felt good to get out of the house.

Spring IS almost here. I can't believe how much more daylight we've been having, and soon the crocuses I planted in the yard last fall will be peaking out of the snow. Everything is nearly anew.

it was a last minute decision to exit off of hwy 52 onto county road 56, headed south. we meant only to just drive by. thelma was fast asleep. i could feel my heart beat more and more quickly as we neared 44819. by the time we reached the end of the long drive, we both knew we couldn't resist getting closer. thelma was waking as he went to peak inside the window of the back door. as he walked back towards us, his shoulders shrugged and he mouthed the words, 'its open'. pulling on my coat, throwing a blanket over thelma, he added...'its trespassing, i guess. its illegal.' my answer.....'its OUR house. what are they going to do to us?' so we went inside. everything was much the same as the day we were first there 2 months ago....but it was colder now. colder inside than it was even outside. it still smelled like a barn, and it still felt like home. i was shaking the entire time we were inside....i don't know if it was from the cold, or the excitment. we drove away with heavy hearts, both hoping that the house will sit and wait for us.


somehow....
someday...

on my plate... in my head.

my breakfast...

in the meantime, Thelma refuses to eat anything at all for breakfast, unless it begins with mac and ends in cheese. its either that, or my tube of burt's bees. i really hope this is just a phase.

when i offer a suggestion that she doesn't agree with, her response has become, "i don't like you , mom." where did she learn that? another phase, i hope.

it makes me think a lot about my own phases. just like Thelma, i am still learning about my world...from the people i love and the experiences i embrace. i want to remember my phases, my secrets, my memories. i've tried to forget so many things....to make myself believe that they have been erased. but, i know they are there.....if i look closely, and make a wish to uncover them.

to be attached.

It is something I don't talk about often...my greatest fear. I go so far as to say I have no regrets, because if I admit the one that exists, it might be true.

I believe in attachment parenting. I have never let Thelma cry herself to sleep, I have never ignored her request for my presence. As a result, I have a 2 year old child who is scared of nothing. She has trusted me completely and continues to do so as she explores her world and seeks out her independence. It is my greatest pride and achievement to have brought her to this point.

On December 18, 2000, I gave birth to a son whom I named Daniel Adam Brunner. You all know him as Jack. I never breast-fed him. I let him spend his first night in this world in a hospital nursery full of bright lights, strange sounds and voices unfamiliar to him. The next day, I left him. I know his adoptive parents love him as much or even more than I could have myself. Still, the fact remains that he was robbed of the opportunity to become attached...left to his own devices. The people whom I chose to be responsible for him were strangers to him as he entered the world. What will the ramifications of my actions be? Is he afraid? Does he know how to trust? Will he forgive me?

The letters and pictures his adoptive parents send me twice a year reflect a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid. I would expect no less than for them to portray a bright and sunny picture to me. For now, he seems fine.

I carry another child in my womb. I can feel it move. Last night I had a dream that I was having an ultrasound done, except that the image wasn't up on the screen. It was as if my stomach was translucent and I could stare straight down inside myself at this little child. My feeling in the dream was that it was a boy and he had amazingly long eye lashes. He was smiling and laughing at me...almost mocking me.

If I have another son, I hope my heart isn't afraid to love him. I hope he will not suffer because of my mistakes. I hope I can learn to never take for granted the gift that my children are.

torn.

On Saturday I waited outside in a line well over a mile long to hear Obama speak in Minneapolis. It was 2 hours before we got inside the doors of the Target Center, but well worth the wait. This man has the kind of energy and charisma that I've been longing for in a president for a long time. He has devoted his life to community service and my heart tells me that he is the one who can bring this country the kind of change it needs.

I'm torn. I am a woman who is constantly outraged by the way women are mistreated and underappreciated in our society. Now, a woman stands a chance at being president, and my heart does not support her. Like me, she is a mother and a wife. Unlike me, she is extrememly wealthy. Fact is, its the fund-raising that bothers me....the acceptance of lobbyist money and now, just in the past couple of days, the contribution of 5 million dollars of her own fortune to continue the surge of her campaign. Its suspected that she is willing to contribute up to 15 million more in order to win her party's nomination. Is this kind of big money the only way for a woman to gain power? It scares me. Furthermore, I am troubled that, since 1989, in a country with over 300,000,000 people, we have not been able to elect a leader outside one of two families. I am ready for change. If Hillary does win the nomination, I will be happy and content and will support her 100%. In the meantime, I'm not convinced that she's what America needs right now. Women around the world, forgive me if I am wrong.

minnesota heat wave

After days on end of below zero temperatures and wind chills, the thermometer hit nearly 20 degrees on Saturday. We couldn't resist the opportunity to spend the entire day outside. Delip built a fire and we roasted hot dogs and made tracks all over the yard with the sled. Thelma had a blast and I realized that life here might not be so bad after all.

When the temp shot up to 35 yesterday, we continued our outdoor weekend with a long hike through Quarry Hill Nature Center. I just recently discovered this great area and imagine we'll be spending a lot of time there. They also have parent/child preschool classes that I'm going to start taking Thelma too.

One more day of warm weather and then back to normal tomorrow. Hope you're all out enjoying it as much as we are!

heartbeat.

I had my first visit with my new midwife today. After much contemplation, I decided to make an appointment at the Winona Center for Women's Health. My prospects for this birth have not been encouraging lately, because our new insurance will not cover a cent of a home birth, and I had really had my heart set on going that route. Delip and I talked about it a lot and came to the conclusion that we just cant afford to cough up $3000 to have this baby at home, when insurance will cover it 100% if I go to the hospital. Just another huge disappointment when it comes to the way our society treats women. At first I was truly depressed about this reality, and then I started to think about having a baby in this house...this house that, even after two and a half months, still doesnt feel like a home to me. That, combined with the possibilty of our Kenyon dream farm still being up in the air, made me feel a lot better about driving to Winona today. BTW, I can definitely imagine having babies on the farm in Kenyon. However, even if we do acquire it in the next month, I cant imagine it being in livable condition by the time this baby is due on July 28th. The one thing I have known from the start of this pregnancy is that I would not be swept into the super-medical Mayo clinic community. The drive to Winona is about 40 minutes, but worth the extra effort ...mostly flat farm land, until you get closer to the river valley and you enter bluff country. I have a thing for the bluffs. My Mom and Dad grew up on the Wisconsin side of those river bluffs, and my Grandpa Darrell and Grandma Thelma still live amongst them. Driving into them will always remind me of summer visits to the farm to feed the calves, picking wild black caps and baking pies....winter visits at Christmas time when everyone went sledding after dinner. The rocky cliff that my grandparents house sits under cuts off sharply and then falls down into the most perfect sledding hill. As we were leaving Winona today, it was snowing heavily, and I thought to myself how at "home" I felt in this part of the country. Of course, it really helps that I already love my midwife. She made me feel like I was in complete control, and spent nearly 2 hours with me, just talking and getting to know each other. I want to be her friend. She is soooo nice and even let me borrow her wise women herb book after pointing out her favorite tonics and tinctures. Only problem was, she couldn't find the heartbeat. She tried and tried, probably for just a few minutes. But they were silent minutes that seemed like a really long time. I am fairly positive of how far along I am, and by 12 weeks and 2 days, they usually dont have a problem finding the heartbeat. I laid on the examine table with my hands on my stomach while she went to see if the OB doc was available to do a quick ultrasound. I laid there and thought....this is my punishment. My punishment for the things I have done....the secrets that I have kept. This is the first time I have "planned" for a baby, and now I'm lying on this cold table, covered in a piece of paper, ready to make a deal with God, with ANYONE, so that I can have this child. LeAnn came back in and said that Dr. Shelton was available. She helped me off the table, wrapped another piece of paper around my waist and checked the hallway for men. She showed me into an ultrasound room where the sonographer, her back to me, was typing numbers into a little computer hooked up to the machine. I just stood there, didn't know what to say, and startled her once she realized my presence in the room. LeAnn came back in with Dr. Shelton, and I could tell that they were both nervous...hoping for the best, but not knowing what to say in the mean time. So, I'm on my back again, with my eyes closed and a ridiculous amount of goo on my stomach. They start making small talk....asking about Thelma, saying how beautiful she is, but I keep my eyes closed. I keep them closed until I hear the Dr. say, "Everything looks perfect." I turn my head, eyes open now....and I see the screen, the baby, the tiniest little flutter of a hearbeat. Everything is perfect. A big sigh of relief and LeAnn is wiping the goo off me and checking the hallway again. Soon, I am walking through the parking lot under a sky dense with snow. Thelma points up at the bluff and says, "Mom! Look at the huge rock, Mom!" Hail Mary, full of grace, you are with me.

and i'm not even trying to point out how big this pregnancy is making my boobs.

One of Thelma's favorite games....decorating everything with sparkly stickers. More often than not, I am the victim of her creativity.

our new year's eve was the most uneventful yet. i was in bed by 10pm....and woke up on new year's day feeling a bit sorry about it. but then, it hit me. its 2008. and i couldn't be happier to be back in an even numbered year. much less an even numbered year in which we get to elect a new president.

delip and i are celebrating 4 years of married life today. well, actually...i guess we celebrated yesterday and this morning. he, unfortuantely, had to be at work at noon. this afternoon, i treated myself to a pedicure and let some girl on you tube teach me how to do a basic smoky eye. i had limited tools and supplies, but it was kind of fun to do something for myself.





...and even if delip can't be here tonight, i feel so lucky to have thelma's company. a little part of him that follows me every where i go. she has become more and more like him lately...even looking less like me these days. and if that means that she will grow up to be as funny, unselfish and bookish as he is, then bless them both.

happy anniversary, husband.